Legend has it, you lose a bunch of friends in your twenties. Why would I think that wouldn’t happen to me? LOL. I wouldn’t consider it arrogance; more like naivety and short-sightedness. Let’s get into it.
Friendship is essential to the soul. Studies show that having healthy friendships contributes to better mental health and improves life satisfaction. For me, as an only child, maintaining friends is an essential part of my social life, and all my friends are my family. But what is it about adulthood specifically that makes friendships so hard?
At age 28, some folks I once shared deep personal connections with now just feel like distant allies. Close friends have turned into mere associates, and associates turned strangers. Making new friends is fun but challenging. Honestly, it’s a lot of change at once for lil ol’ me, which is ironic because historically, my friends have served as my safe space when I’m feeling uneasy.
Childhood Friends
Growing up, making friends came naturally to me. I thrived in both one-on-one friendships and friend groups—it was honestly whatever—I never had to think too deep. I still have a handful of childhood friends to this day whom I cherish and love deeply. Our friendship means the world to me.
As a kid, though, the stakes are so low. Because the stakes are low, requirements are also low. There were a few main factors that shaped friendship for me in adolescence: proximity, shared interests, and fun. Now as an adult, those are probably at the bottom of my friend checklist.
Evolution
The thing about childhood friendships is that there is an unspoken evolution associated with them. I read that the mid-20s is an interesting time for people because our prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making and impulse control) is finally finished developing.
So naturally, how we approach our friendships would be different too. Once you get to the late twenties, everyone is running their own race. I have some friends who are in school, some friends who are married with kids, some friends who are outdoorsy, some friends who have dedicated their lives to their careers, some friends who are just trying to survive (oh look, it’s me!), and so on.
Everyone is either striving to be the highest version of themselves or just trying to stay afloat, and there’s a lot of power in both. It takes an extreme level of fortitude to not give up and/or seek your personal utopia.
The evolution of oneself is truly an isolated journey. While friends and family can support you, that path to becoming is uniquely yours. Because of this, I’m learning that my childhood friends can’t be the same companions they were to me when we were 10, 18, and 25.
Going forward, friendships will be a spectrum that ebbs and flows between deep connection and casual associates. Regardless, true friendship and genuine love involve room for evolution, and it’s about figuring out if and where I fit in along the way.
New Friends
In 2023, one of my goals was to make new friends. I’m happy to report that I made (1) new friend. Everyone, clap!!!
Making new friends as an adult is no small feat. It takes intention, effort, fluidity, and a level of vulnerability and uncomfortability that I’m particularly not used to. You also have to leave your house, so there’s that. But when you do make a new friend, it’s so worth it!
Finally making a new friend feels like a deep inhale, exhale. The relationship is light and fresh, and it’s exciting to learn about someone else’s life, interests, and experiences. We’re adults, so we can set boundaries early. The lack of pressure and the joy of discovery make it special.
But here’s the thing: when I meet someone that I like and vibe with, I think we should be close friends immediately. I’m quick to put you in a bestie death row lifetime 360 deal :). To my dismay, the record reflects that it doesn’t work like that.
But how does it work?
I still don’t know but, I have learned that there is not a one-size-fits-all approach to friendship in adulthood. Distinguishing between a friend, an associate, a for lifer and a for now-er is requiring a reprogramming of my mind. Each category has its own dynamics so it can be tricky to manage.
Friendventory
The fact of the matter is history with friends is comforting, but it’s just that - history, a glimpse into the past. And new friends are fun but take time to grow into deep personal connections. It’s up to you to figure out who’s for the past, present, and future.
Though the journey to self-actualization is your own, whether you take the journey alone or with friends will depend on how much change, fault, amendment, redemption and vulnerability you're willing to bear.
If you're struggling with friendships, give yourself grace, don’t be ashamed. and always be reminded that you have a friend in Jesus. Cliche? Yes. Factual? Yes. Never alone, always walking in His divine presence.
Oh and also, stop mixing y’all friend groups!! Why? Because I said so
xoxo,
Amanda